Why ‘Mercy Sex’ Might Actually Be Good for Your Relationship, According to a Psychologist
· Vice
“Mercy sex” is an awful phrase. It sounds like somebody agreed to intercourse after losing a bet.
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Psychologist Marianne Brandon recently argued in Psychology Today that the idea behind it deserves more credit. She’s talking about sexual generosity between partners, where one person isn’t especially horny but still feels happy to give the other some kind of sexual attention. No sulking. No pressure. No lying there mentally going over everything you need to do tomorrow.
Long-term couples run into mismatched desire all the time. Two people can love each other, find each other attractive, and still have wildly different levels of interest in sex on any given night. Bodies change. Stress takes over. Hormones pull their usual nonsense. Desire doesn’t follow a shared Google calendar.
Mercy Sex Might Not Be That Bad After All, New Study Finds
Research supports some of Brandon’s argument. A 2015 study found that people who cared strongly about meeting a partner’s sexual needs were more willing to have sex during periods when their own desire was low. Both partners reported higher sexual and relationship satisfaction afterward. Researchers have an impressively joyless name for this: “sexual communal strength.”
A 2023 study found higher sexual satisfaction when people agreed because they actually cared about their partner and wanted to feel close to them. Guilt, pressure, and fear of letting someone down were associated with worse outcomes. Saying “I’m not horny, but I’d still like to do something for you” is super different than being pressured or guilt-tripped until you give in.
Brandon gives a few examples that don’t require full-on intercourse. Helping a partner masturbate, adding something sexual to a massage, reading erotica together. That still only works if the person giving actually wants to be there. Resentment, pressure, or a “fine, let’s just get this over with” mood changes the whole thing.
Still, the expectation that two people will independently crave the exact same sexual experience at the exact same time for 20 years is asking a lot from humans. Sometimes somebody wants sex. Sometimes somebody wants to make the person they love feel good.
“Mercy sex” is just the worst possible name for that.
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